Vanilla Twilight (chp.4)

Chapter 4

"Some promises should not remain as it is, it shall be broken so that the heart could find a way to ease the pain.." 

Every night, the wind blew heavily outside for such a gloomy weather to mourn. Ever since you were gone, I couldn't go to sleep. My mind kept making re-runs of all the memories that we shared together when you were still with me. The bed was rather cold and nothing seemed to make feel warm except for your presence. There was this feeling of longing that I had to bear. I wanted you. I wanted my mind to never shut about you, at least. 

I finally got up from the bed to let my mind reminisce more about him. There was a box under the bed to where I was reaching, of where all his song writing paperworks that he called as his treasures, were still kept untouched. Flipping through one sheet after another, a thick leathered black book was seen to be hiding underneath it all and surely, that book was written straight from his heart. A diary of my beloved lover that I've made a promise once not read nor even to touch it but there I was, holding it tightly to my chest as my eyes rain more tears to have known that without this diary and without having the urge to break my promise on that particular day, I wouldn't have known that he kept a huge secret away from me that would bleed my heart in sorrow, perhaps forever. 

We've made a promise once, to always be honest to each other. But why didn't he hold on to that promise of ours? If only I had known earlier, I would not bother about the world but gave my all only to him until he let out his last breath. Although, I have guessed that he refused to let me put him on top of everything because he had a thought that when he left me alone in this world, he would also leave me with a broken heart that is hard to mend. At least, if I were to know at the very last minute, it wouldn't be that hard for my mind to digest that he was about to leave me anytime soon. But what if? He should have told me earlier. Whether it's too early or too late, either way, the shattered feelings I had to face weighs equally the same for he is the love of my life and when I lost him, my heart would never find a way to heal. Then again, I don't blame him to leave so soon without telling me. Initially, he was trying hard to spill the news but how unfortunate it is that fate was against him. I wish Tom could just tell me everything as he was the first to know but between him and my lover, they never betrayed each other's promises. And that is something I had to live on with, because he will always choose his brother first. 

“You are gonna tell her, right?” His one and only blood brother questioned. 

“Of course, I will but not right now.” He sighed and continued looking down on the hospital floor. 

 “I still can’t believe this is happening.” Tom shook his head in disbelief while tears started to fill his brown eyes. “Why you?” He then, stood and walked away from the scene only to cover his emotional side. 

“It was meant to happen, Tom.” 

A trip to the hospital was carried out by my lover and his twin only to find out the cause to his sudden bleed cough. He kept the secret hidden well from me and so as Tom but little did they know, telling the truth is far way beyond better than telling lies because the angel doesn’t wait for anyone, he will come whenever God sent him the message even when you didn’t have the chance to break the news to your most important person in the world.

"Baby, you're back?" I went to him and gave my greeting kiss as he showed up at our front door. "How's your day with Tom? Did you guys have fun?" He didn't answer but kept his lips doing his kissing game and finally let go to give his sweetest smile to pair with a nod. "Is everything okay, baby? That smile of yours seems to be rather odd. Too sweet to be real." 

"So, I cannot smile like this whenever I see my angel standing in front of me?" He stroked my face for a while and wrapped his arms around my waist just to embrace me. 

 I chuckled coyly and smiled back to him but something in his eyes, made me think that he was telling a lie and fear has conquered him. "You're hiding something from me, aren't you?" 

"What? Of course, not." 

"You can't fool me that easily, Mr. Kaulitz! Spill it out." 

"Look, my angel. Yes, I might hide something from you but what if it's not that important for you to know?" 

"What if it's important?" 

"Then, you can kill me!" 

"Sounds good to me." 

"As about now, let me just take this moment to be with you. You know, someday we might not see each other again." 

"What do you mean by that?" 

"It means, life's unfair. I will go on tour and gotta leave my girl behind which is such a bummer to me." He sighed in a really depressing mode that I couldn't figured out whether it was an act or he really felt that sad. I stared at him long enough to convince myself that he was actually sad for real. I knew he felt guilty whenever his career was taking over him and left nothing for me. A tour that would break us apart in miles was playing in his mind at that moment, at least what I thought it was. Little did I knew, it wasn't the tight schedule of being a rockstar awaits him but it was indeed an angel of death who waits him at the gate of his funeral.

I hugged him tightly to give a little comfort, ensuring that everything will be just fine. He knew it can never be fine but I knew nothing. It was the longest hug we ever had. On account of that, he let me know how strong his love was for me. A simple hug that tells one, a feeling of never wanting to let go. 

"It was a dreadful day. I couldn’t explain in any words. Why does God set up this punishment on me? Maybe, He was getting sick of my wrongdoings. Why can’t He forgive? Well, I would say my prayer for His forgiveness if there is enough time but I think I have ran out of it. I broke my brother’s heart and soon, hers. I wanted to tell her earlier but I don’t think she would take this calmly. I’m still figuring out the ways to tell her. She is that one person I have a full heart on besides my brother. To see my brother’s reaction gave me million reasons not to tell her, immediately. I hate to see her suffers in pain just like Tom did. Those teary eyes of his whenever we met face to face made me feel like I have done the most terrible thing in the world as to let him drown himself in an ocean of tears of losing hopes in life! I don’t want that to happen to her, one soul to torture was enough. But sooner or later, she will have to know. I’m dying and I can’t lose any more time to hide this from her. Dear God, forgive me of asking, please help me, spare me some time until I’m really ready to tell."

I caught him in his writing session, the very next week. He looked rather tensed and his eyes were red, giving me a thought, was he crying? I just knew whatever he wrote in there has something to do with his feelings.

"You know, it's been a while since you write in there." 

"Oh my! Annika, don't do that again! You gave me a shock." 

" Sorry baby, didn't mean to." I approached him to the writing desk in our bedroom as he closed his diary and pulled me into his lap. 

"What are you writing for a second there?" 

He carved that smile again, the one that gave me a million reasons to ask myself is he smiling sincerely or just faking it? He then, look into my eyes and started nuzzling under my neck which distracted me from getting an answer to my previous question. "You don't need to worry, Annika. You're all I have and the one and only. So, almost the whole pages of my diary has your name written in it." 

"Then, let me see it." I reached for his diary but before I could even touch it, he took my hand and placed on the back of his neck as his lips were making its way to my lips. 

"Don't touch it, Annika. I warned you." He gave a deadly sweet whisper and every little of my wondering thoughts were consumed with lust as he moved us to the bed for a little making love session. 

My curiosity was triggering me each day for he has been acting way too sweet and nice to me, all he wanted to do every day was showering me with love. I didn't say I hate it, I was overjoyed by it but it still felt as if he was trying to hide something from me. Eventually, I had the devilish idea of breaking in to his most private and confidential diary. It was an ugly sin I had to commit but I was hit back with a wave of pain to my heart for what I deserve. 

On that one piece of paper written on a black book entitled 'My Diary' is where his secret was unveiled to me. Maybe some secrets should not be unveiled after all if it burns you with rage and most definitely, pain. I guess that was the huge mistake I have ever done and if he was still alive, he wouldn't forgive me for sure. But could I ever forgive him for not being honest with me?


to be continued...

Vanilla Twilight (chp.3)

Chapter 3

" To fear on being alone is just a weak thought made by you who seems to be afraid of not having anyone around near or close.."

I was always alone but not until you came back. But it all has changed for the one whom I always wait shall not make himself appear back again at the scene. There was I, alone once more and forever will for the fact that no one was there to fill my empty nights from the very moment you left me.

My swollen eyes made me feel so weak and dead tired for the eyesight, giving me a sign that it was time for me to drown myself in a deep sleep, shutting the world and of course, the thought of you too. I put nothing but your t-shirt on to keep me calm in the night while trying myself not to think that your presence would only be the wind that whispers and blows. I was all ready for my dream mode but something has stopped me, only to realize that one sliding door of our balcony is wide open as it was letting the wind from outside to chill the room even more. The sheer curtains gently fly as the air blows in and the city lights caused a mirage on our bedroom floor only to reveal a shadow of a man sitting calmly under the moonlight of the dark sky above.

My mind took me back in time where each and every night during your band’s hiatus, you were always there, outside on our little balcony that has the view of the Berlin City which most definitely be your favourite spot to take a smoke. You would even just lounge there for a fresh air as to put your mind at ease, letting the atmosphere surrounds you to inspire you more on your art of song writings.

“Baby, aren’t you coming to sleep?” After peeking him behind the sheer curtains, I’ve made myself appear by hugging him tight from behind and gave him a soft peck on his cheek.

“Oh not yet, I’ve got a lil more inspiration raining down on me and so I shall continue writing. I’ll be inside in a few, okay?” In a sitting manner, he reached my face so that his lips would present me with his precious tender kiss.
“Baby, ewwwwwww...burnt charcoal alert!” I pulled away immediately assuming I’ve just tasted a mouth of a smoker.

“Opps, sorry baby.” He just grinned.

“I’ve told you in million times already that I hate you smoking this crap!” I grabbed his pack of cigarette and threw it on the floor with rage. Quickly I went back inside, trying to control my frustration anger.
“Annika..”
I truly hated this one bad habit of his, puffing those icky cigarette one after another, not only made me breathe some hazardous air but made him suffer a sickness inside without him even noticing it. He smoked like a chimney and somehow, it was an addiction to him. Started out at a very early age was to be the right fault of it all. Quitting was the only option but he never made an effort to do so until the very last minute which was way too late for merely a human to change a fate.

My heavy eyes woke me up to a dark surrounding, it was the night where I found him nowhere on the bed, lying beside me. Our bathroom lights were switched on, it was a right guess for me that he was out to the loo. He came back to the bed but just sat there, pressing his hand over his chest while slowly breathing the air in and out. It was weird to see him with whatever he pulled as an act for that night.

“Baby, are you okay?” I asked him upon his strange behaviour as I grabbed a hold to his other hand.

“Hey, did I wake you, angel?” He turned to me and the question I’ve just asked was nothing but ignorance to him as he pretended he didn’t hear it. “Go back to sleep.” He sunk me back to dreamland with a kiss on my forehead and in my ears I could hear a melody of a soothing lullaby, my favourite song, sung only by him.

The clock has turned and passed, after a while, my eyes were seeing the ceiling of our bedroom again. I was back to reality as a sound of persistent cough came from the person close to me. He got up again and took a gulp on a glass of water on the side table but it was still a failure help since he just couldn’t stop coughing through the night.

“Your throat is itching go and have more water, you don’t wanna ruin your voice now.” I’ve managed to say in a half awake state.

He didn’t say anything, just got up, took the glass and went out from our bedroom. When he came back, he was glad that I was already fallen into a deep sleep. However, my disturbing night didn’t just stopped there, as Bill continued to make some noise with his unstoppable coughs. “Bill, you sure you’re alright?” My eyes were wide open this time to ensure my lover was all fine.

“Yes, I’m fine just that my throat is killing me like crazy!” He explained and kept letting go of his sudden crazy coughs.

“You should find something to clear that sore throat of yours. There’s a cough drop in our medical box, go and have a look there, baby.” I suggested.

He just nodded and walked away, again leaving me alone in our bedroom. When the Sun came up as the morning slowly fades in, I’ve realized that he was not there next to me on the king size bed, to greet me with a morning kiss, a soft touch gently stroking my face and those dreamy chestnut brown eyes for me to be dazed by. Instead, I found him on the living room couch, sleeping silently uncomfortable.

“You, poor thing.” I was awed to see him in a dead sleeping mode, all thanks to the cough issue he was suffering on the night before for giving him less hours to sleep in on the precise hours of sleeping.

Although, the couch was quite small for his size considering his feet were literally hanging but he didn’t complain at all as he was the one who volunteered for making it as his bed. One peck on his cheek was given by me as a thank you gift on letting me have a pleasant sleeping time without any disturbance to wake me. He knew I would be easily up even if there was a little sound produced, yes my hearing sense is sharp but it didn’t bother me if the sound came from him who was being utterly sick. And yet, he would still be a gentleman, knowing every right move on how treat the ladies nicely right.

He was truly one in a million. But I guess, you can say when that one and only has disappeared, it is back to the count of zero. Yes, as hard for me to accept and admit but reality has stated that my one in a million is nothing but a nil, now.

to be continued...

Vanilla Twilight (chp.2)

Chapter 2

"A sealed promise could only be broken by fate and even so, it stays with an undying true love."

The electric kettle produced a ‘tick’ sound as the water boils to its maximum temperature. An instant sachet of Cadbury hot chocolate was poured inside that favourite mug of yours, the one you gave me as a present which has a yummy design motive with a ‘Hot Chocolate Princess’ wordings in a chocolaty font. Yeah, that one mug fits me perfectly considering my high craving on hot chocolate is way too uncontrollable. So, you have crowned me as the princess of hot chocolate and, you and I both seems to like it! Another reason to add to your liking is that you always think I would look cute sipping my favourite hot drink with it.

Sitting calmly on the comfy couch while hugging my legs, I was all eyes through the windows, watching the rain pouring down from the cloudy sky. I took a gentle sip from my mug, letting my taste buds to feel the sweet delicate taste of chocolate. “I’m here, waiting for you. For always, waiting for you to come back home. You have promised me you will.” From where I was sitting, I could see the entrance door. It was shut tight and locked as if no one was allowed to enter unless that someone is you. I still wish you would come back to the apartment through that one and only entrance door, like you did before and I’ll be smiling wide knowing that I shouldn’t be afraid on being alone anymore because you were finally here to stay beside me in the dark.

It is typical for him to come home late at night, after going through a hard days’ night on working as a full time Rock star. But it is at home where he found peace and there would be an angel expecting his arrival. The second he stepped his foot at the apartment and right when his eyes were catching a glimpse on Annika, he felt he was no longer a Rock star more like a devoted lover who’s very much in love with a lovely lady who awaits upon his arrival every single night. He knew that he belongs to her at that moment, and no one could take him away from her as he wouldn’t let it be, so.

“Baby, you still awake?” Said the rock star while he settled himself inside, hung his trench designer’s coat, throw his Audi car keys and walked straight ahead to greet me with a kiss on the forehead.
“I miss you.” I faked an upside down smile just to get his attention but indeed I was missing him like a lot since it was so hard to find him at home especially when he is busy with his band new album promotion.
“What? You miss me?” He just smiled and bent down to face me on the couch just to dance his fingers gently on my face. “I was just out for a day, my lovely. You don’t have to miss me too much.” His tone of voice was lowered which ignites his romantic side.

“It took me, a very long hour to see your face back, here.” There goes my frown again, with a sip on the hot chocolate, I pulled my eye sight away from seeing him, only to let him know I was sulking.
He landed himself close next to me, on the empty spot of the couch. “Aww..baby, don’t look away now. At least, I’m already here right? It’s worth the wait.” He tried to cheer me with his ever so working charms, while putting his arms around me which warms me up on that cold night.
I kept sipping my hot drink, didn’t ever bother to look at my precious rockstar who seemed to pull me even closer, avoiding any gaps between us as much as possible. “I can’t wait for you, forever. It will be a crucial torture for me, love.”

He then stroked my chin and turned my face to him. Our eyes met and he began to sink me in his daze, looking into my eyes as deeply as he could. “I don’t ask you to wait, if you wanna go, I’ll let you go.” And a soft peck kiss was given to my lips. “Because no matter what happens, in the end, I will be right where I belong which is beside you forever.” He just pulled an irresistible smile which immediately, driven me to pull his neck and let my lips do the magic.

His words were honest and true, pleasant enough for my ears to have a listen and my heart to be touched by. But words are only words, it is fate that we have to rely on. Some promised words spoken couldn’t be all true as it will die out if the ending of your story is pretty much different from the Cinderella’s fairy tale.
“Now that you’re gone, will you still be here by my side? Truthfully, I wish I could see your face instead to just feel that your soul is somewhere near and close. I miss your touch, my love.”

to be continued...

Vanilla Twilight (chp.1)

Chapter 1
" Memories just don't fade away as it stays in you for as long as you wanted it to be.. "

Spacing out to the ceiling as I tried to shut my eyes tight from the beauty of the night and drown myself in dreams for I’ll be meeting you there. Each and every night, I can only picture you lying next to me, with your muscular arms wrapped tightly around me as if you would never let me go. But it all changes now, you have let me to go on my own.

On that lonely night, I locked myself in our favourite place to stay in, that little but luxurious apartment you kindly asked me to move in with you, only because I wouldn’t want to face the dark and cold atmosphere outside without you by my side.

The black vintage dress embroidered with black lace is slipped down from my torso as I reached for my silky satin bathrobe. Next to mine, on the hang-stand is his, hanging nicely untouched by him. Inside of me, I feel like I want to rip his bathrobe into pieces just to let our memories fade away. But I couldn’t just let those precious memories of us be gone, turning itself into dust as it was blown little by little by the heavy wind, I just couldn’t.

The cold shower didn’t help me much on going through this phase of painful sorrow that is trapped within me. I shed thousand of tears more than the water pouring down the shower, instead and no one was able to wipe my one litre of tears as it was being washed away too quickly with the water flow. In fact, there was not even a single soul there and he, who I thought could be my savoir of all time, couldn’t possibly show up at that miserable scene. That burns my whole heart even more. Empty, everything in me seems to be empty. I was blanked out with no feelings right after I let out a vast amount of clear crystal water fluid through my eyes. I dried my long chic-straight hair with that one dyer which I always fought over with him to use it.
The little drying machine made a sound, like the effects of the wind blowing as I gently comb my hair from the beginning part of the root to the very end of the tip while facing myself to the huge dressing mirror on the dry section of our bathroom.

“5 minutes passed, my turn!” That 6 feet tall guy grabbed the dryer even before I could fully dry my not-so-thick hair. He then, pulled a ‘nil sense of guilt’ face, not feeling guilty at all just happily use the hair dryer to let his wet jet-black sexy haircut back in shape.

“Hey, I’m not done with that! Gimme back! ” I steal away the switched on dryer back from his hand.
“How dare of you to steal that dryer away from me?” He stared at me with an angry look on his face, all covered with his wet hair which made him look as sexy as hell.

I ignored his dramatic act because I knew he wasn’t actually mad and what the hell? He stole it from me first! “Ouuuu..like I’m so scared of you!” I faked a terrified face expression and continued with my unfinished hair-drying session. You know, it’s just so hard to deal with this kind of interruption especially if it’s from a very stunning guy who practically bugs you for a playful reason. I didn’t say I dislike it, oh how I like it so much, indeed!

He just stared at me with that so-called angry look still etched upon his face and his next action was folding his arms while tapping his feet like he was waiting for me to give in.

I played along, didn’t bother a single thing on his reaction and well, let’s just say, I kinda enjoyed watching him in the mirror reflection. A gorgeous young lad who was standing by me, half naked with having only a plain white towel hanging around his pelvic bones, covering the explicit bottom part of his stick figure body. At the same time, my eyes couldn’t stop admiring his revealing sexy tattoos carved on his body. What more? With those dazzling pair of chestnut brown eyes gazed right into you, creating a piercing alluring stare. Oh boy, of course I wouldn’t mind to let him be frozen on that spot for a few hours or so.

But too bad, he could sense the game I was playing very well and his solution was simple, pulled the wire from the socket which drives me mad for a sec and making me blabbing all the way. Another action was taken just to avoid his ears being fed with the sound disturbance produced by me, he scooped me out from the bathroom, locked the door, turned on the hair dryer and one hair-drying pleasure served only for him with a peaceful atmosphere, free from Annika’s mouth talking noise. “I hate you, Bill!” I yelled at the shut tight door.
I found myself sitting on the carpet floor and there was one upside down smiley on my face, all thanks to him. A few seconds later, the bathroom door opens out he came to approach his upset lover. “Baby, I was just playing around.” Bent down to me, he went and he lifted up my chin to have an eye to eye, facing directly to my angelic face. My eyes searched deep into his, he gave me a vision of his sincerity and honesty of love towards me.

I stretched a smile to him showing a sign to forgive his silly fooling around trick with me. “Oh how I’m gonna miss that..”, I said to my heart while still having the same exact smile on my face in the mirror and obviously that one smile is paired up with a drop of tear fall off right from my brown eyes.


to be continued..