Vanilla Twilight (chp.4)

Chapter 4

"Some promises should not remain as it is, it shall be broken so that the heart could find a way to ease the pain.." 

Every night, the wind blew heavily outside for such a gloomy weather to mourn. Ever since you were gone, I couldn't go to sleep. My mind kept making re-runs of all the memories that we shared together when you were still with me. The bed was rather cold and nothing seemed to make feel warm except for your presence. There was this feeling of longing that I had to bear. I wanted you. I wanted my mind to never shut about you, at least. 

I finally got up from the bed to let my mind reminisce more about him. There was a box under the bed to where I was reaching, of where all his song writing paperworks that he called as his treasures, were still kept untouched. Flipping through one sheet after another, a thick leathered black book was seen to be hiding underneath it all and surely, that book was written straight from his heart. A diary of my beloved lover that I've made a promise once not read nor even to touch it but there I was, holding it tightly to my chest as my eyes rain more tears to have known that without this diary and without having the urge to break my promise on that particular day, I wouldn't have known that he kept a huge secret away from me that would bleed my heart in sorrow, perhaps forever. 

We've made a promise once, to always be honest to each other. But why didn't he hold on to that promise of ours? If only I had known earlier, I would not bother about the world but gave my all only to him until he let out his last breath. Although, I have guessed that he refused to let me put him on top of everything because he had a thought that when he left me alone in this world, he would also leave me with a broken heart that is hard to mend. At least, if I were to know at the very last minute, it wouldn't be that hard for my mind to digest that he was about to leave me anytime soon. But what if? He should have told me earlier. Whether it's too early or too late, either way, the shattered feelings I had to face weighs equally the same for he is the love of my life and when I lost him, my heart would never find a way to heal. Then again, I don't blame him to leave so soon without telling me. Initially, he was trying hard to spill the news but how unfortunate it is that fate was against him. I wish Tom could just tell me everything as he was the first to know but between him and my lover, they never betrayed each other's promises. And that is something I had to live on with, because he will always choose his brother first. 

“You are gonna tell her, right?” His one and only blood brother questioned. 

“Of course, I will but not right now.” He sighed and continued looking down on the hospital floor. 

 “I still can’t believe this is happening.” Tom shook his head in disbelief while tears started to fill his brown eyes. “Why you?” He then, stood and walked away from the scene only to cover his emotional side. 

“It was meant to happen, Tom.” 

A trip to the hospital was carried out by my lover and his twin only to find out the cause to his sudden bleed cough. He kept the secret hidden well from me and so as Tom but little did they know, telling the truth is far way beyond better than telling lies because the angel doesn’t wait for anyone, he will come whenever God sent him the message even when you didn’t have the chance to break the news to your most important person in the world.

"Baby, you're back?" I went to him and gave my greeting kiss as he showed up at our front door. "How's your day with Tom? Did you guys have fun?" He didn't answer but kept his lips doing his kissing game and finally let go to give his sweetest smile to pair with a nod. "Is everything okay, baby? That smile of yours seems to be rather odd. Too sweet to be real." 

"So, I cannot smile like this whenever I see my angel standing in front of me?" He stroked my face for a while and wrapped his arms around my waist just to embrace me. 

 I chuckled coyly and smiled back to him but something in his eyes, made me think that he was telling a lie and fear has conquered him. "You're hiding something from me, aren't you?" 

"What? Of course, not." 

"You can't fool me that easily, Mr. Kaulitz! Spill it out." 

"Look, my angel. Yes, I might hide something from you but what if it's not that important for you to know?" 

"What if it's important?" 

"Then, you can kill me!" 

"Sounds good to me." 

"As about now, let me just take this moment to be with you. You know, someday we might not see each other again." 

"What do you mean by that?" 

"It means, life's unfair. I will go on tour and gotta leave my girl behind which is such a bummer to me." He sighed in a really depressing mode that I couldn't figured out whether it was an act or he really felt that sad. I stared at him long enough to convince myself that he was actually sad for real. I knew he felt guilty whenever his career was taking over him and left nothing for me. A tour that would break us apart in miles was playing in his mind at that moment, at least what I thought it was. Little did I knew, it wasn't the tight schedule of being a rockstar awaits him but it was indeed an angel of death who waits him at the gate of his funeral.

I hugged him tightly to give a little comfort, ensuring that everything will be just fine. He knew it can never be fine but I knew nothing. It was the longest hug we ever had. On account of that, he let me know how strong his love was for me. A simple hug that tells one, a feeling of never wanting to let go. 

"It was a dreadful day. I couldn’t explain in any words. Why does God set up this punishment on me? Maybe, He was getting sick of my wrongdoings. Why can’t He forgive? Well, I would say my prayer for His forgiveness if there is enough time but I think I have ran out of it. I broke my brother’s heart and soon, hers. I wanted to tell her earlier but I don’t think she would take this calmly. I’m still figuring out the ways to tell her. She is that one person I have a full heart on besides my brother. To see my brother’s reaction gave me million reasons not to tell her, immediately. I hate to see her suffers in pain just like Tom did. Those teary eyes of his whenever we met face to face made me feel like I have done the most terrible thing in the world as to let him drown himself in an ocean of tears of losing hopes in life! I don’t want that to happen to her, one soul to torture was enough. But sooner or later, she will have to know. I’m dying and I can’t lose any more time to hide this from her. Dear God, forgive me of asking, please help me, spare me some time until I’m really ready to tell."

I caught him in his writing session, the very next week. He looked rather tensed and his eyes were red, giving me a thought, was he crying? I just knew whatever he wrote in there has something to do with his feelings.

"You know, it's been a while since you write in there." 

"Oh my! Annika, don't do that again! You gave me a shock." 

" Sorry baby, didn't mean to." I approached him to the writing desk in our bedroom as he closed his diary and pulled me into his lap. 

"What are you writing for a second there?" 

He carved that smile again, the one that gave me a million reasons to ask myself is he smiling sincerely or just faking it? He then, look into my eyes and started nuzzling under my neck which distracted me from getting an answer to my previous question. "You don't need to worry, Annika. You're all I have and the one and only. So, almost the whole pages of my diary has your name written in it." 

"Then, let me see it." I reached for his diary but before I could even touch it, he took my hand and placed on the back of his neck as his lips were making its way to my lips. 

"Don't touch it, Annika. I warned you." He gave a deadly sweet whisper and every little of my wondering thoughts were consumed with lust as he moved us to the bed for a little making love session. 

My curiosity was triggering me each day for he has been acting way too sweet and nice to me, all he wanted to do every day was showering me with love. I didn't say I hate it, I was overjoyed by it but it still felt as if he was trying to hide something from me. Eventually, I had the devilish idea of breaking in to his most private and confidential diary. It was an ugly sin I had to commit but I was hit back with a wave of pain to my heart for what I deserve. 

On that one piece of paper written on a black book entitled 'My Diary' is where his secret was unveiled to me. Maybe some secrets should not be unveiled after all if it burns you with rage and most definitely, pain. I guess that was the huge mistake I have ever done and if he was still alive, he wouldn't forgive me for sure. But could I ever forgive him for not being honest with me?


to be continued...